Dear Addled is a shameless rip-off of the Dear Abby advice column that still runs in some newspapers. Abby fields inquiries from her readers and dispenses advice on a range of subjects
Also, Dear Addled would like you to know that I take careful and deliberate consideration of what has been sent to me. Then I quickly dissolve it in water and feed it to some early-emerging cicadas. If they die within four to six weeks, as they naturally should, I’ll respond. If those suckers live longer than that and grow large enough for my lazy cat to ride them like a Roomba you’ll hear from my attorney and a bunch of geeked out entomologists.
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Dear Addled,
I am a MAGA historian, having received my undergraduate, graduate and doctoral from Trump University while attending one of our finest penitentiaries as part of a sabbatical in solitary confinement. As you might know, rigorous historical study usually calls for some time to pass before setting the historical narrative on momentous times in our past. Well, it’s been pert near three weeks since Presiderp Trump gave his earth-shattering Gettysburg address.
I’m keenly interested in your take on that golden moment during which Presiderp Trump was showered with praise for such a sterling speech.
Dr. MAGA Historian
Dear Doctor of Delusion,
Oh, I agree that address was something. I haven’t seen such insights since impenetrable fog was introduced as a weather pattern on Lauren Boebert’s EEGs. Some, however, do date that type of fog to an earlier time when creepy, scaly things first crawled out of the sea and set up open enrollment at Mar-a-Lago, that orange grove of shitrus.
And, as I understand it, Trump did have some initial confusion about Pickett’s Charge. He thought he was being hit with another indictment. That set up some momentary panic in the Trump camp, until it was realized that it was a Civil War charge, rather than a Criminal War charge, so Donald wouldn’t be required to attend the trial proceedings as he would in a Criminal War charge. Boy, if that was the case, they’d be back in the saddle and have to trot out the ghosted Bone Spurs defense again to argue that he wasn’t required to show proof of ownership for guts or backbone.
In fact, I heard it got so serious over there Alina Habba was fully prepared to represent Trump again, so she went out and purchased a hoop skirt and a parasol for the event. She even made an attempt at getting an Airbnb for the slave quarters at a historical Southern plantation. That was a definite no go. Particularly since it was revealed she had once treated a Black employee of hers so harshly it was like Jim Crow was Alina’s co-counsel and they were working the Southern Strategy in front of Judge Small-Caliber Cannon’s bench. So Nix-on that.
Hey, Doc, give me a quick moment, ok? — do you mind if I try my hand at that speech?
“Four scourges — at least as counted in Trump presidential years, although in canine years that would be twenty-eight thousand dog whistles — and seven thousand ‘Yikes!’ ago our forefathers screwed up by not having written up a Declaration of Independence, Preamble, Constitution and a Presidential Penal Code for Dickheads That Want To Be Dictators But Have The Diction Of Sloppy Mouth The Clown.”
Next time boys, skip those, oh, so social, tea parties and get back get to work. By the way, Garland, are you listening, too? You need to Monitor the current situation so we get Ironclad results, and no draws, if you understand my historical meaning.
Look, Doc, what do you say we do a post mortem on the speech, ok?
And away we go.
Lincoln’s speech had 272 words. It was considered by many throughout the world to be one of the greatest speeches in history. Trump’s speech had approximately 135 words. Of those 135 words, eighteen were in some sort of order, thirty-one got hopelessly lost during transit from his brain to his lips and arrived late, nine intentionally impaled themselves on his teeth and almost all the rest lost their lives after crossing the Rubicon, his lips, and falling to their death, although six did survive by using his tie as a commercial airliner’s evacuation slide.
By the way, the U.S. Marshalls Service have ensconced those six in the Witness Protection Program. They’ve been relocated to an undisclosed foreign language dictionary in a language never heard in the United States.
Lincoln’s speech was approximately two minutes and was, again, considered to be one of the world’s most noteworthy. Trump speech was approximately 50 seconds and later referenced by Trump in a text as, “Gettysburg, Lee, ah yes, Lee, opened gift shop, Union Army came in, yes, but then, no, pop, pop, zing, Lincoln logs, speech, mine better, great man, me, great horse and because of that it ended, me boys.” Three of the Truth Social’s servers melted shortly afterwards. That made the stock go up.
The audience’s reaction was varied. On average Democrats noticed that even though the speech was only 50 seconds they lost 26 minutes of their life they’ll never get back due to a phenomena called brain pan deep fry. The Republicans’ reaction: rapture and the purchasing of 9,500 red hats saying, Markup All Gettysburg Apparel.
Number of disbelieving gasps from those listening to Trump’s disconnected and discombobulating speech: Democrats — over 5.6 million. Republicans: (crickets — although there were 14.3 million of those).
The number wounded: five Civil War historians and eight linguists. Suspected cause: apoplexy. All are expected to survive, although three are switching careers to something more sedate, one indicated that would be gun running.
Accents used: Lincoln, one, Hoosier-Kentucky bluegrass. Trump, three, silly fake-ass Irish brogue, silly fake-ass pirate and true American shit talk (lower bowel regional dialect).
Here’s the thing, Doc, Trump’s feet spend so much time resting in his big mouth his tongue has gotten mis-labeled on a Wikipedia map as the ottoman Empire. His uvala is considered the capital.
Did he flop? No, but his tongue sure did. It flopped and flopped and flopped and flopped and flopped and flopped and flopped and flopped until his tongue finally landed on his foot and Trump killed two burdens with one stone by shooting himself in the foot and his flippin’ tongue. Oh, by the way, he also winged two words and killed two more in the process.
To quote an Elder American Steaksman, “Wow. Just wow.”
Addled
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An Addled Afterthought:
I don’t know why this thought struck me out of the blue, but it did. I realized that somewhere in the National Archives are executive branch documents that were signed by Ivanka “Empty Top Floor Loft for Rent” Trump.
These are official documents for the United States of America that were filed as permanent records because they pertained to serious government operations. That’s the kind of stuff that will smooth-bore your brain folds, papers signed by someone who couldn’t find the Constitution even if you spotted her the Preamble.
I’m taking another toke, that thought just kills me.
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And remember everyone,
if you acted on advice from Addled,
you’re probably not still in the saddle.
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For past “Dear Addled” diaries see the links below.